He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’m a lot like a wild Pok茅mon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I鈥檝e even ordered.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
john denver: 馃幍life is old there. older than the trees.馃幎
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 馃幍younger than the mountains馃幎
me: oh not that old then.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.