7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
She: I like Cats
He:
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.