Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
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4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”