In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
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Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Cake safety first. Always.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Me in tagged photos
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
drew a comic about my origin story
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.