[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world