Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
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KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.