forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.