I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?