Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him