[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.