[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Things will get butter, keep churning
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
This rocks
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Bless you
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I don’t hate children, just yours.