[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic