My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.