[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”