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someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”