Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.