Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
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I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.