I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Barbie gone wild
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD