riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.