Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
BRO LMFAO
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?