馃幎Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine馃幎
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You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom鈥檚 bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
If you鈥檝e never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we鈥檝e been calling him dad all this time
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend鈥檚 younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
office jobs are so funny because you鈥檒l be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you鈥檙e wondering what parenthood is like
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Me too
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
me: [texting a friend i haven鈥檛 talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i鈥檓 ok
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.