5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
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(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
He a real one for that
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI