In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
ok this is my dumbest yet
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.