boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
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Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m awake but I object,
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!