Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.