Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
#Caturday
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?