Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
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When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
sigh
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.