Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter