I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*