Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
This is me 🤣🤣
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.