Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs