What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
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“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.