So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
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Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you