i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
You Might Also Like
That’s not how days work.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Morning.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
first you must answer his riddles
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.