I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Thanks to a fan for this one.