Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Morning my dudes.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
im 7 sauces long
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s