For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.