The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
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How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Noah
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
one last job
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow