For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.