Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
You Might Also Like
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house