My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster