PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”