well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
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Never mess with a drunken pig.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.