I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* α΅α΅α΅α΅ α΅ Λ’αΆ¦α΅
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Today I learned that you never bring a βI did the dishesβ to a βyou never pick things upβ fight
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her