Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
She: I like Cats
He:
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.