Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.