Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.