MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
😏😏😏
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Buck naked
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.