Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
You Might Also Like
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!