Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Coffee for people with no kids
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.